Emotional Clutter....

Well, my class is going so/so. We have yet to touch upon anything life changing and I'm growing aggravated by the other people in the group. They are really close minded and it bothers me. I don't feel like sharing in that type of group. I'm also still on the waiting list for one on one therapy so my tarot must step in.

1.)What kind of emotional clutter have I accumulated?

5 Swords, Page Cups, Sun

It looks like that 5 has entrapped the Page. Like I'm struggling with myself. That Page wants out to play and enjoy but the 5 has her trapped. It isn't safe, you can't go willy-nilly and carefree. I don't know what the Sun is doing there at all. Maybe that's my belief in how I see things. Even though I know they are wrong I somehow convince myself that things are how they seem.

2.)How is it affecting me?

10 Wands, 9 Wands, 8 Wands

Bizarre cards and a bizarre image. There is no touching, no over-lapping. I am burdened, but I persevere, even though I wish to fly away. Or just die.

3.)How is it affecting my relationships with others?

Empress, Wheel, 6 Swords

I do feel disconnected to others. Almost like I am on a journey no one else can understand. Which is how anxiety is. If you've never experienced it you have no idea how it is. But why is the Wheel stalking me? Is it because I still don't know if this is meant to be or what? I feel like this card will keep reappearing until I figure it out.

4.)What steps can I take to remove this clutter?

6 Wands, Death, 10 Swords

Realize the worst has come to be, as it has. Cut out what is not needed and visualize myself as I want to be.

5.)What can I do to avoid accumulating clutter in the future?

8 Cups, 2 Swords, 2 Cups

Letting it go, making a conscious decision to let it go, and to rely more on my close relationships to keep me sane. I know I don't always see things as they really are and I do need to ask for help sometimes. I'm so bad at that as I don't want to burden anyone. But what else are they here for if not for when I need them? I would do the same for them.

I am so not in the mood for this today. It's been a long weekend and my fuse is short.

Anxiety Group Meeting...

So, I've been accepted into an anxiety support group. We're using a book so it's like a class and that gets the ubernerd in me so excited! Anyway, I'm not sure it's going to help so I decided to ask the cards.....

1. Refers to the situation, relationship, or other concerns asked about.

Ace Pents, 5 Cups, 9 Pents

Yes, I'm looking for some stability, to be more comfortable in my life, but I'm afraid I will be disappointed. I've tried lots of programs without success.

2. Negative influence or blockage.

9 Swords, Emperor, Chariot

Well, there's that 9 which is my anxiety so I may have a hard time getting to the groups, as also seen by the Chariot. The Emperor, I think, is speaking of the group. I don't like to share intimate things to people. Well, in person that is. You guys don't count. I find it worth noting that as this is a negative or a blockage, the 9 is in the light horse, not the dark one. So my anxiety may keep me from doing well.

3. Positive influence or assistance.

Page Wands, Hermit, 8 Wands

I've met with the woman leading this group and she really strikes me as this Page. She's almost annoyingly upbeat and is very intense and passionate about this group. The Hermit doesn't surprise me at all. I'm very self aware and that will help me. With the assistance of that 8, it looks like I may make more headway in the self-realization aspect.

4. What you can do to improve the situation. (The action card.)

Wheel, High Priestess, Queen Pents

That damn Wheel! I love that there's a book here though. How cool is that! Read the book, learn the secrets. Turn it all around and get to the "real" me. The me I want to be, which is that Queen.

5. Probable outcome based on current circumstances (or direction that the situation/relationship is heading towards based on current circumstances.)

5 Pents, Death, Judgment

Normally, this outcome would be terrifying, but look how positive when it's speaking of something one wants to be rid of! I hate to jinx myself but by Goddess, this looks promising!

Now I'm even more excited for tomorrow!

Experiment 2 Part 2

Sorry for the delay, was waiting on our Great Leader for some insight into these positional meanings.

1. The source of my Light

5 Swords, Queen Cups, Fool

This is where our "personality" or "light" developed and began to 'blossom'. This card indicates the 'root' of our personality.

The 5 and the Fool clearly show an ability to pick up the pieces and move on, that nothing is really all that bad. I tend to not dwell on things. I have a saying that if no one is dying then it isn't a big deal. The Queen shows a good understanding of emotions. By that I mean that I am not one to deceive myself. I am quite aware of my emotions and where they come from but I don't always know what to do with them. I also think that 5 speaks of the abandonment I experienced early in my childhood.

2. The source of my Shadow

9 Swords, 5 Wands, Justice

This represents the "root" of our shadow side. Where it began to develop and .. well, I can't seem to think of a word that's similar to 'blossom' but more in a shadowy way.

Well, that 9 could be my anxiety. I really feel the 5 and Justice are saying that it was a natural reaction to that 9. Like, well what else were you supposed to do with that? But I don't like how she is sitting on one side of the scale.

3. Where does my Light shine the most?

6 Swords, Ace Wands, 3 Pents

This position indicates where you are able to express the traits, talents, abilities, characteristics given by your personality card the most. As well as, the times and instances you're able to .. well.. shine!

Ok, well I'm good at learning my lessons and moving on. I do get many sparks of passion and am always following something new and that three is showing that I am good at doing that. This is funny because I think a lot of these things that I do are mostly a distraction from my anxiety.

4. What does my Shadow hide the most?

8 Wands, 7 Swords, Wheel

These are the areas you need to work upon, reflect upon, look into yourself, heal, etc etc, that you may or may not be aware off, but your 'Shadow' card prevents you from truly "seeing" and "understanding"

Wow, um I'm a bit stumped on this one, as I always am when the Wheel shows up. But the placement of the 8 and 7 makes me think that the defending and planning that I do is really taking me away from what I'm supposed to do. So, in a sense, my anxiety is distracting me from my real life purpose. How strange that is to think. As most who read this blog know, I thought my anxiety was punishment from a former life, or here in the now to further my eternal being. Now, I think this may not be the case.

5. What does my Light want me to see the most?

3 Cups, Page Wands, 7 Cups

This position represents areas/moments/situations, etc that your 'Light' is willing to shine, and where you can also 'shine' bright as ever, but you may not really know this, or probably do, but were afraid or weren't willing enough to let yourself "shine".

Ok, let's look at that 3 because with the 7 it is true to my life. I'm always on the outside, on purpose. I like to see people having a good time, I just don't want to be involved. I can, of coure, I have many friends and get along well with people, I just prefer to be alone. Perhaps that Page is telling me that there is something more to involvement that I could benefit from

6. What does my Shadow want to hide from me the most?

6 Wands, 10 Cups, 2 Swords

These are areas that we choose to (consciously and unconsciously) 'block' and 'ignore', thinking that avoiding them will make them go away, but doing so only makes them harder to release. Acknowledging them and healing them is the only way of truly releasing them and finding a sense of inner peace.

This is tough. One of the things I ignore is my family. Or rather, I prefer not to think about it. I had a difficult childhood and my family is scattered. We don't know how to be a family and that has always bothered me and I know it is a part of things for me in the present. Perhaps that 2 is telling me that I don't know what to do, which I already know that. I don't know how to mend what happened to me and how to make it all ok now.

7. How do I create a harmonious balance between my Light and Shadow.

3 Swords, Ace Pents, Tower

Well, thanks a lot! If there ever was a suicide card..... I'm kidding! I need to cut out those parts of me and change the foundations of my thinking so that I may begin again, stable in this world. I love that Ace. I see so much potential for really living in the world with that card. *sigh* That is what I wish for more than anything.

Well, that was a tough read and I will need to go back over it in a few days. It's a lot to think about.

Light and Shadow Spread

It feels like forever since I've done a real reading. This should be a nice break from the intense experiments. I think I'm reading it out of order but that's the way it wanted to be read. So there.

The Light

2 Pents, Strength, 6 Swords

So, this is supposed to be my light... well, I like how the images stack on top of one another. I'm going to start at the bottom. I'm going to step out of my traditional learned meanings and just go by the image itself, I think this deck reads better that way. I like how the two arms are outstretched, almost victorious with those pents. Like, "Look at me ma!" I see this as the balancing of myself. Being able to be normal while holding my anxiety in check. I really hope the collective "you" that reads this blog are not too tired of hearing me read about my anxiety. I've started meds today, so maybe I will soon be able to read about something else... moving on. So, I have this balance, and then here comes Strength to carry me away in that boat. Yeah, that would be my Light.

The Shadow

Page Swords, King Pents, 4 Cups

In the spread, these figures were facing away from my Signifactor. So they all have their backs turned to her, I used the Q of Pents. So, the King would be me advancing from the Q. I see that as living in the "real" world, tied by all my senses. Which is pretty funny. Sometimes I get so tied up with tv shows that I forget that I don't live in them sometimes. The Page, well she's off running with scissors! That 4 is mostly my "If only I didn't have this anxiety..." which I do all the time!

How you sometimes move into the shadow

5 Pents, Moon, Queen Cups

Well, when I start to take stock of everything I've lost, I go into the shadow. When I drink, I go into my shadow. When I allow myself to stop denying my emotions.... When I allow myself to dream of things that I will never be able to do... I go into the shadow. I even had to stop the "what if we had a baby" talk because I just can't take it. And I know I must let him go if he continues. But that is a topic for another time....

How you can move further into the light

8 Swords, 9 Cups, Emperor

The stacking here is strange. And the 9 seems to be almost in front of the others. There are times, when I am medicated, that I do enjoy myself and my life. But behind is always the fact that I am tied to this thing that rules my life. I should look at this image positively. Maybe the image of the Emperor is protection from that 8. Perhaps that is how I should look at it. Use those rules to separate the 8 and 9. I know it is possible.

I had a thought earlier. I had a conversation about my anxiety, where I referred to it as a fight to the death. I was encouraged to try to look at it positively so it would be easier for me. I think I thought of a way. But then, swiss cheese memory over here, I forgot it. I think it had something to do with doing everything I'm supposed to be doing, but those things I don't do. But I hate doing those things and I talk myself out of them. But now I've lost my point....

Experiment 2 ~ Part 1

Now it's time to look at the Personality and Shadow cards....

The Personality Card is the card that symbolizes what you have come into this lifetime to learn
My Personality Card is The World, shown here as the rainbow colored squiggle.



Qualities we show openly in the world ~ I hate to say this but people think I have it all together. All my friends think my life is perfect and that I have no problems. I don't think I really try to portray that, in fact I am quite open with how not put together I am. I think it is because I don't let little things bother me. I don't care that I'm poor, or that we live in a small place, and sometimes we have to eat ramen because we can't afford anything else. I don't care that I don't have the newest gadget or that my car is 12 years old. I have a man that I love, I have two adorable little dogs that adore me, I have my family, and my nephew. And that is all I care about. Money doesn't matter, bills don't matter, car problems don't matter. We have a warm place to live (at least now we do!) and we are together, that is all I need.

How we represent ourselves outwardly ~ I try to share myself with everyone. I think because I've spent so much of my life feeling alone that I want everyone I know to know they are not alone. I want others to know that life is always full of problems but that doesn't mean it has to ruin your day. I just think that we have the wrong idea about life. Nothing is ever perfect and that's ok. How boring would it be if everything was perfect..

What tasks we have to complete in the world ~ Oh my goodness. I'm always trying to change the world. I take on big tasks, usually too big for me to handle and, quite often, it involves lots of people. I have no idea why I do that but this card here makes a lot of sense to me. I even went to college with the intention of using my degree to help people in need. Little did I know that the law is all about making money, not about making things better. I was so disenchanted that I can't bring myself to do the work knowing what I know now.

What challenges to set ourselves ~ I always say, if you're going to do it then do it. I love to challenge myself, to broaden my outlook on anything and everything. I find that I am drawn to things that make me uncomfortable, almost like I instinctively know how to produce growth in myself. I find any challenge exciting, from a simple crossword to living every day with my debilitating anxiety disorder, well not that that one is ever all that exciting. In fact, as I'm thinking about it now, perhaps that is why I haven't offed myself! I won't lose the challenge, I won't let it win.

The Hidden Factor or Shadow Card indicates aspects of yourself that you fear, reject, or don't see or relate with. Sometimes even flatly deny. However, you tend to remain sensitive to these qualities and therefore tend to see them in others via the psychological mechanism of "projection".

My Shadow Card is the Hanged Man, shown in the pic above as the cocoon.

Some of this I have noted in our other experiments, I was a step ahead of you! The hanged man, especially the image of a cocoon, really does relate to my life. It began when I was 12 and my anxiety appeared. Over the 2 decades since, I have formed this cocoon around me, foolishly believing I am only safe inside my home. I don't know why I think it is so scary out there or why I get panicky just going to get the mail. I live fearlessly in my head. I experience things through my window. I really do wish my meds would work enough for me to get back out there. I fear staying as I am just as much as I fear a trip to the grocery store. But the noise, there is so much noise. People are so loud and angry and selfish. It pains me to be around them.

I am not sure what aspect of this card I could be denying. I hate to read this card as sacrifice because I have sacrificed enough in this life and I refuse to let go of any more. I suppose it could be speaking towards me looking at things differently. In fact, just last month I had a conversation about my anxiety where I described it as a daily fight to the death. The person I was speaking with suggested that if I could look at it in a more positive way, I might make more progress. I was intrigued by the suggestion, of course, but still have not found a way to do so. But not for lack of trying. I suppose this card is mostly tied to my anxiety, since that is the only area of my life that I can't figure out. There probably is a lot of denial in there somewhere but I'm darned if I can find it.

I've done a search of the AT and here's some things I'd like to hit on, all by thirteen:

"The Hanged Man represents a period when you are upside down, you are a traitor to the right-side-up world. You see things inversely, in a way that may seem wrong or traitorous to others, and you act on that view in a way that you know will invoke consequences and require sacrifice on your part. The result is that you end up hanging suspended, still seeing the world from your upside down perspective, waiting for the consequences to end, and the changes caused by your actions to come to fruition."

This very much describes what I believe my anxiety-ridden life to be. So it is not so hidden, but perhaps, my goal in this lifetime.

"Thus, the Hanged Man represents a "betrayal" against the status quo. It represents, ultimately, not merely your own change in perspective, but a way in which you can change everything."

I very much agree with this as well. I know only I have the power to do this but I can't seem to find it.

"What we have to remember, I think, is that the Traitor has come to mean someone willing to sacrifice himself to go against the status quo. He is not a traitor in the sense of Benedict Arnold--rather he is a traitor in the sense that Prometheus was a traitor against the gods of Mt. Olympus in giving man fire. Prometheus suffered for that betrayal, but he was willing to suffer for it."

A part of me does believe that this trial is going to be of some benefit to me, but one I may not know of until I cease to be. As long as there is some reason for my sacrifice I am ok with it. Even if it were to save one person from this... and now I am seeing myself as a martyr and that is not how I feel at all. It is like I said above, speaking of the World card, I take too much on my shoulders. If God had come to me and said, "Either you go through this or I give it to someone else." I would take it on. Perhaps knowing I have the strength where another wouldn't. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, no one deserves this.

There definitely is a great difference between the World and the Hanged Man. One is focused on the greater whole, the "outer, while the other is "inner" and completely self involved. I suppose I do go through bouts of both of those. Or perhaps it is more fitting to say that I strive for a balance between the two. I do go through periods where I am so focused inward, like the last few months, that I cannot even begin to look out. And I know quite soon, my focus will change to the outer and I will cease to be so self involved. I can't help thinking it is tied to my anxiety, as it has worsened in the last few months. And when I'm not leaving my house, it is difficult to focus on what is outside of my little world.

Well, those are my thoughts on this today. I may add more later.

Another Mind Blowing Reading.....

This week I decided to use a spread shared by our own KK!

"A Message from My Spirit Guide" Spread

What should I remember that I am forgetting?

Chariot, Queen Wands, 10 Cups

I find so weird that she is turning away from the dark horse to look at the family. Can you feel the love in this card? I feel like it's telling me that I am not alone. That there are people who care about me. Perhaps the two figures are my guides. And they are here, sending me love and watching over me, even if I can't see them. I really do see this as a confirmation of my spiritual beliefs. That the side of the light horse is normalcy, and the dark horse is life here on earth. I don't know if that makes sense but it is my belief that we are here for a reason, whether it be for our own good or the good of others, there is a reason. So, here I feel it's telling me that yes, there are things that I can't see and things I don't remember, but that doesn't mean it isn't there rooting for me. I'm finding it difficult to see myself as the Queen of Wands as she is the exact opposite of me. But perhaps this is a reminder that I do have that inside of me somewhere.

What is my Spirit Guide trying to tell me?

10 Wands, Moon, 5 Cups

I think it is important to note that the 5 of Cups is overshadowing the 10 of Wands. It also looks as if the 10 is trying to pick up the 3 up-right cups. Ok, there is a lot going on in this one. First, the third eye of the moon is the only eye open. I feel this is significant. Perhaps meaning that I need to pay attention to how I "see," or how I gather my intel. Not just by sight but through all my senses, especially when it comes from inside of me. I feel the 10 speaks to the burdens that I have in this life, mainly my anxiety but the rest of it too, and that I need to start reaching for those cups that are full.

What is the advice my Spirit Guide is giving me?

5 Wands, Page Wands, 10 Swords

This one is more difficult because of that 10 all by itself. I feel the Page is a message to learn to have fun instead of letting myself become so bogged down by all the fighting I do. It's a daily struggle for me to keep hold of my sanity, at least I think so. And I've been told, by an AT friend, that I need to not think of it as a fight. I believe I called it a fight to the death. That I need to look at it in a positive way, although I have not yet figured out how to do so. That 10 is still giving me trouble. I'd like to think that the worst has already happened. I've gone through my illness, my father, my rape, been abandoned by so many that I trusted. Who was it that said we create what we fear? Well, that is my life. I'm terrified to leave the safety of my home, I am constantly bombarded with anxiety throughout my day even when I am at home. My life is a mess and I see no way out but death. Perhaps I am at the 10, the worst is here, I am living it. It cannot get any worse. But still, my brain can think of new ways to torture me. So maybe the advice is to fight as that Page. This Page always reminds me of my nephew and how fearless and joyful he is. How everything is exciting and fun. I very much wish I could be like that.

What would be the outcome if I decide to follow this path?

Queen Cups, Page Pents, 3 Pents

Now this Queen I see as more of my psychic self, when I can reach it, which is about once a day during my meditation. When I am at peace and full of love and relaxed and receptive. Perhaps that Page is the lessening of my dependence on the physical world. I find that I am oftentimes too logical and too stuck on what I see with my eyes and touch with my hands. I can't help but think that 3 is my progress in the spiritual realm. I know, I've always known, that I am here to develop further. I think this is saying that if I am able to even live with my anxiety to the extent that I can still have a full life, that is all I need to progress.

Very insightful reading. I plan to do this spread a few times a year. It is quite an eye-opener.

Experiment 1 Part 3

Ok, those of you that are not doing the experiment, feel free to skip this post. I've added in my later impressions along with my meditative experience.

The first thing I did was poke the chrysalis. I'm not sure why I did it, but I felt the voice of the Empress ask me why I did it. She has a Jamaican accent. Not sure why. She says "child" like "chi-il."
"Am I really in there?" I asked.
She sighed.
"And I'm safe?"
"Of course dear, why wouldn't you be safe?"
"But what if it falls? What if the wind blows it right off this branch?"
"Child, who do you think makes the wind?"
I had nothing to say at this point so I tried to look beyond what my eyes saw. I felt warm, as if sun was shining on me but I don't recall seeing the sun. I did feel a slight breeze and the branch did shake but the chrysalis held on.

I tried to look into it, as it was a bit well, transparent. I could make out a vague form that was moving around but not enough that I knew what I was looking at.

"Don't you be poking that again." She said.
"What will come out of there?"
"You will."
"But what will I be?"
"Just you."
"But I'm me now. What's happening to me in there?"
"You are growing. Isn't it exciting!"
By this point I think I know what she means.
"Did I pick this? Was it my doing?"
She's humming.
"Am I working something off? Did I do something awful?"
"You know better, you've always been the good girl."
"I mean before this life."
"Good girl." echoes.

Why have I been bestowed this card as my soul card.
"It is the difficult path that has the most reward. And look at how many cups you have already." She sounds almost proud of me.
"I still don't understand what the Empress has to do with my soul."
"The gift of life. Mother's womb."
"Yes, but I am not a mother."
"No, child, you were born."
I have no idea what she means here at all.
"Born for what?"
"For this."
Could she be any more vague? Come on. I did notice the yellow light coming from that cup "I" seem to be reaching for. For some reason I think Holy Grail, but in a Monty Python kind of way. "Are you suggesting that coconuts are migratory?" hahaha, let's move on...
Gifts it Brings Me
Now, I know I'm gonna sound like a total fool here for a minute, but..... remember in the Prophecy movies.. you know, Christopher Walken, Eric Stoltz, Viggo as the Devil.... the whole war between heaven and hell.... I got defense here. Which is weird because I don't believe in heaven or hell or the devil. I see the devil (as a card) as our life here on Earth.
"I am getting stronger? Because I am here now?"
The Jamaican woman is silent now, I can hear her softly humming but she's done answering me.
What lessons do I learn
"Will you speak with me now?"
"Yes child."
I'm oddly comforted by her calling me child now.
"So this is a lesson?"
"You don't believe."
"Don't believe what?"
"It will be clear one day."
"So you're not gonna tell me then."
"It is not for me to tell you. You know, just not believing it."
"Ok, how bout I talk it out a little then...."
"Do that."
"Bare bones, I see two people separated by death."
"Yes, but you don't believe."
"What does that have to do with a lesson?"
I get the feeling that this is all way over my head at this point. And not likely to be something I will understand while in human form. I think I need to pass over before any of this makes sense.
I stayed to watch the two forms and the scythe. They were almost rowing with it. One would pull it towards them, and then back towards the other. But they both always had their hands on it. It was weird.
Soul's journey leads here:
"So.... this is where I'm going."
"Um-hm."
"Does this mean this isn't my last time? I have to come back again?"
"Only if you want to."
"Will I want to?"
She laughs at me, "You always want to."
"Do I like the punishment?"
"No punishment. Growth. You are growing."
"For what?"
"For who." She says.
At first I thought she meant God but now I think I'm wrong. I think it's for me, or my soul or whatever. I think she is right, about me wanting to come back even though I'm convinced I'm currently in hell (as in hell one earth). But I am so competitive with myself. Having to get straight A's in college, always having to do my best at everything. And re-doing things if I haven't done them to my standards. I think I, and by this "I" I am referring to the soul that I do not know for sure even exists, anyway I think I am wanting to be the best, do the best, and work the hardest. Which is quite the core of my existence in this lifetime, as well as being a "good girl."
I tried getting into this one but there was no movement.

Meanwhile, back to the first card......
"So I really won't fall out of here?"
"No child, you are safe and sound."
"Why don't I ever feel that way?"
"Because you don't know what you know."
"Will I not know it until I die?"
"Depends on you."
"Can you tell me anything that will help me?"
She sighs again. "You would not want me to."
"Why not? Oh... is it like cheating?"
She laughs, "Something like that. Better you do it yourself. Don't worry. You worry too much this time around. You forget to live. You forget why you are here."
"Can you remind me?"
"To grow."

I swear, if this woman had been real I think I would have decked her. I don't feel that I got any insights, but I no longer feel bad about that. Perhaps I am not meant to know unil I'm back to wherever it is that I came from.

So... I Met This Guy....

and I found him to be quite intriguing. So I decided to see what a friendship between us might look like. Don't get me wrong, I am not looking to leave my dude. I'm quite happy where I am but I can always use more friends.....

1 What does he think of me

2 Cups, 7 Swords, Moon

We did seem to hit it off, I met him when he sat down to get a reading for the charity event I did. He thinks I am like-minded and fun. I think he might find me a bit intriguing as well, given the Moon here. He thinks I am mysterious, probably because I am a tarot reader. The 7 of Swords has me a bit confused. I told him outright that I was engaged so there would be no confusion.

2 What does he feel towards me

King Pents, 8 Pents, Wheel

This may seem like a strange question for me to put in here but men often take my friendliness as something more so I wanted some insight. However, I usually steer clear of these types of questions so I am unsure how to read this image in this context. At least I see nothing romantic. Perhaps the Wheel is stating that he feels we were meant to meet as well. As for the 8 to King there, that's like apprentice to master.

3 Why were we brought together

Sun, 2 Wands, 9 Pents

It looks to me that we could bring quite a bit to each other. There was something in our meeting that was strange for me. It is very rare for me to meet someone like him. I had a very easy time conversing with him and I am usually not so quick to take to people. I love that the 9 is lounging, as he is a therapist so she looks like she's on a couch, ready to be "shrunk." I like that 2 there as well, as we could have some passionate discussions and learn from each other. That Sun makes me think that this was no accident. I think we will be great friends.

4 What are his intentions

4 Wands, Knight Pents, 3 Pents

Well, if that doesn't say therapist, what does? I think this is just the type of person he is. Very caring, genuinely wanting to help people. I think he really has his mind on friendship, which is good. I had hoped to see this here.

5 Positives of friendship

6 Swords, 6 Cups, 5 Pents

Wow, that looks like a whole bunch of moving on doesn't it? I think we will be able to help each other heal somethings. I don't want to go into the things we spoke about but this looks very, very positive!

6 Negatives of friendship

6 Wands, Emperor, 5 Wands

I see power struggles. But perhaps they will be minor.

7 Advice

Page Cups, King Wands, Ace Pents

This really looks like a go-ahead for me. To embrace this friendship, offer up my cup, and let us both reap the rewards.

I think there was a reason we met. Just something about it seemed destined. It was strange and I never feel that way about people. I think I can learn a lot from him and I am already looking forward to seeing him once we move.

Blockage Spread....

Since I'm all about being blocked, blown up, hit on the head, dragged under a train.... let's see what will get me out of this funk....

1) Origin of the blockage/why it has come about

King Wands, 8 Cups, Ace Swords

This is going to sound weird, but I think this all started when I moved here. I was trying to be a grown up and start my new life. I had this idea that I could do it on my own. Well, not all on my own, the hubs-to-be was there too. We moved to be closer to his school. I hadn't wanted to move this far away, but I did anyway, to be with him. It was risky, and I normally am not risky. I went off my housing assistance to do this and I moved to a county that has no help for me and my illness. I thought, rashly, that it wouldn't matter, that I would be ok because I was with him. And while he is great, he is gone most of every day. So I sit here alone because I have nowhere to go and no one to see.

2) Current nature of the blockage

8 Swords, 4 Wands, Ace Pents

Current nature.... The 4 and that ace show lots of stability, which I have, but it has surrounded me and left me stuck right in the middle there. Can you see it? I've let myself become trapped. I started it, I saw it was happening, and yet I did nothing about it. It isn't all that bad, but my anxiety is so bad right now. I hadn't thought it was because of me.

3) Resultant effects of blockage

HP, Strength, 2 Wands

Balance.... Strange that these are all twos, Strength is 11 in this deck. I am completely unbalanced now. There is no escape for me with the things that normally brought me escape. There is no weekly going to mom's to do laundry, there is no weekly watching my nephew. There is no weekly going out to my favorite place. This is quite eye opening.

4) Advice on how to clear blockage and move on

Knight Swords, Ace Wands, 9 Pents

Now the important part. The knight... what is he telling me. Decision? Perhaps, that Ace is the move, and that will lead me out. Then I can be the 9 and take some pleasure in my life, begin to rely on myself instead of feeling that I need so much. But the way she's leaning and to the other side, it looks like that is what will happen after the Ace and Knight.

I guess that echos the other reading which told me to wait it out. If only I had the strength to start packing already....

Experiment 1 Part 2

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I've taken another look at these cards as one single image to try to get a better sense of this.

What I notice is that Death cuts out of the Empress and the 4 Pents. And then, in the opposite corner is the 7 and 8. So there is clear separation between these.

With the 7 and 8 I see fighting and reaching higher, while the 4 seems to be ok with where he is, mingling with the Empress and Death. I'm now going to pull some more cards to give me more images in each position.

1. Why have I been bestowed with The Empress as my Soul Card?

8 Cups/Chariot

I think it is part of the plan for this life. I think the struggles were put in place before my birth and I am either working off something very bad, or I am working towards something good. Either way, it is tied to my advancement. I tend to think I am working off something bad because the 8 is off the dark horse. But that may just be a coincidence.

2. What gifts does it bring me?

7 Wands/Devil

I think it keeps me bound to this life. And by that I mean, that I haven't killed myself yet. I continue to fight my illness, which is probably why the Empress is my soul card. Perhaps only she has what it takes to continue on when the outlook is so bleak. I've always felt there was a reason I was here to fight through this. Originally I thought it was going to be my job to fix it for everyone struggling but I've come to realize that I think I just need to survive it. Almost like doing time for whatever it was that I did in a former life.

3. What lessons do I need to learn from it?

Death/2 Cups

That it is temporary. Death is separating me from something. Which I know is peace. I know that this illness will not follow me in death. Which makes it quite difficult to stay here and fight when I know it would be easier to let go.

4. Where does my soul's journey lead to?

4 Pents/Wheel

To the next round, the next life. Which looks like it will be more peaceful. Whenever I see the 4 of Pents I always hear, "Relax, it's ok." This journey will lead to the next, which leads to the next, and so on and so forth. Which is actually quite comforting. I am here to progress, to turn that wheel. To take my lumps and grow. And so I shall.

Three Card

I've been putting this off because I'm just not feeling it lately. So let's see why that is.....

Myself - how I feel

Well, this is weird. Because I feel like I'm the dude in the boat. And I'm sailing by, with no sail, and I really want to stop and be here. With those two people with the wands and the little one with all those cups. And I'm realizing that I am all 4 people. I have the little part that is so full of love and wants to enjoy her life. But those two parts of me are always battling and for the time being, it looks as if they are in a standstill. Both ready to attack, both anticipating an attack. But for now, there is no movement. And the other me, in the boat, ready to move on. Am I waiting for any of them to join me? I'd like to leave the 2 behind and take the little 9.

Atmosphere -factors at work

Well the stability I crave, along with my full self (QP) is apparently unable to come to my aid. As is the Knight Wands. I have no idea what he's doing here though. Perhaps this is why I have no energy, no desire to do anything right now.

Energy

Ok, the energies at work. I hate the Queen of Cups. She just seems so powerless and needy. I suppose I have been overly emotional, actually both of us have been which is weird for us. Loss of something with that 5 Pents, but I can't think of anything but our budget since hubs took a pay cut at work. Oh, that could be the darn food poisoning I've been having for months now. Even the Queen, with her cup, that could be me having to take all the meds. That has definitely sucked out my energy. I think that 7 shows my determination.

Outcome/Advice

Yay! Moon, Tower, Page Wands. What this says to me is that these things are temporary. The moon is all about trickery, things not being what they seem. The tower is the truth. And that page is like a little torch. Like a giant thunderstorm that knocks out the electricity, he and Iwill be sitting in the dark with a tiny little candle. Talking and cuddling until the world rights itself. He will take care of me when I need it and I him when he needs it. This is just a bump and it will right itself. I just have to hang on and wait it out.