Friday, March 20, 2009

Light and Shadow Spread

It feels like forever since I've done a real reading. This should be a nice break from the intense experiments. I think I'm reading it out of order but that's the way it wanted to be read. So there.

The Light
2 Pents, Strength, 6 Swords

So, this is supposed to be my light... well, I like how the images stack on top of one another. I'm going to start at the bottom. I'm going to step out of my traditional learned meanings and just go by the image itself, I think this deck reads better that way. I like how the two arms are outstretched, almost victorious with those pents. Like, "Look at me ma!" I see this as the balancing of myself. Being able to be normal while holding my anxiety in check. I really hope the collective "you" that reads this blog are not too tired of hearing me read about my anxiety. I've started meds today, so maybe I will soon be able to read about something else... moving on. So, I have this balance, and then here comes Strength to carry me away in that boat. Yeah, that would be my Light.

The Shadow
Page Swords, King Pents, 4 Cups

In the spread, these figures were facing away from my Signifactor. So they all have their backs turned to her, I used the Q of Pents. So, the King would be me advancing from the Q. I see that as living in the "real" world, tied by all my senses. Which is pretty funny. Sometimes I get so tied up with tv shows that I forget that I don't live in them sometimes. The Page, well she's off running with scissors! That 4 is mostly my "If only I didn't have this anxiety..." which I do all the time!

How you sometimes move into the shadow
5 Pents, Moon, Queen Cups

Well, when I start to take stock of everything I've lost, I go into the shadow. When I drink, I go into my shadow. When I allow myself to stop denying my emotions.... When I allow myself to dream of things that I will never be able to do... I go into the shadow. I even had to stop the "what if we had a baby" talk because I just can't take it. And I know I must let him go if he continues. But that is a topic for another time....

How you can move further into the light

8 Swords, 9 Cups, Emperor

The stacking here is strange. And the 9 seems to be almost in front of the others. There are times, when I am medicated, that I do enjoy myself and my life. But behind is always the fact that I am tied to this thing that rules my life. I should look at this image positively. Maybe the image of the Emperor is protection from that 8. Perhaps that is how I should look at it. Use those rules to separate the 8 and 9. I know it is possible.

I had a thought earlier. I had a conversation about my anxiety, where I referred to it as a fight to the death. I was encouraged to try to look at it positively so it would be easier for me. I think I thought of a way. But then, swiss cheese memory over here, I forgot it. I think it had something to do with doing everything I'm supposed to be doing, but those things I don't do. But I hate doing those things and I talk myself out of them. But now I've lost my point....

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Experiment 2 ~ Part 1

Now it's time to look at the Personality and Shadow cards....

The Personality Card is the card that symbolizes what you have come into this lifetime to learn
My Personality Card is The World, shown here as the rainbow colored squiggle.

Qualities we show openly in the world ~ I hate to say this but people think I have it all together. All my friends think my life is perfect and that I have no problems. I don't think I really try to portray that, in fact I am quite open with how not put together I am. I think it is because I don't let little things bother me. I don't care that I'm poor, or that we live in a small place, and sometimes we have to eat ramen because we can't afford anything else. I don't care that I don't have the newest gadget or that my car is 12 years old. I have a man that I love, I have two adorable little dogs that adore me, I have my family, and my nephew. And that is all I care about. Money doesn't matter, bills don't matter, car problems don't matter. We have a warm place to live (at least now we do!) and we are together, that is all I need.

How we represent ourselves outwardly ~ I try to share myself with everyone. I think because I've spent so much of my life feeling alone that I want everyone I know to know they are not alone. I want others to know that life is always full of problems but that doesn't mean it has to ruin your day. I just think that we have the wrong idea about life. Nothing is ever perfect and that's ok. How boring would it be if everything was perfect..

What tasks we have to complete in the world ~ Oh my goodness. I'm always trying to change the world. I take on big tasks, usually too big for me to handle and, quite often, it involves lots of people. I have no idea why I do that but this card here makes a lot of sense to me. I even went to college with the intention of using my degree to help people in need. Little did I know that the law is all about making money, not about making things better. I was so disenchanted that I can't bring myself to do the work knowing what I know now.

What challenges to set ourselves ~ I always say, if you're going to do it then do it. I love to challenge myself, to broaden my outlook on anything and everything. I find that I am drawn to things that make me uncomfortable, almost like I instinctively know how to produce growth in myself. I find any challenge exciting, from a simple crossword to living every day with my debilitating anxiety disorder, well not that that one is ever all that exciting. In fact, as I'm thinking about it now, perhaps that is why I haven't offed myself! I won't lose the challenge, I won't let it win.

The Hidden Factor or Shadow Card indicates aspects of yourself that you fear, reject, or don't see or relate with. Sometimes even flatly deny. However, you tend to remain sensitive to these qualities and therefore tend to see them in others via the psychological mechanism of "projection".

My Shadow Card is the Hanged Man, shown in the pic above as the cocoon.

Some of this I have noted in our other experiments, I was a step ahead of you! The hanged man, especially the image of a cocoon, really does relate to my life. It began when I was 12 and my anxiety appeared. Over the 2 decades since, I have formed this cocoon around me, foolishly believing I am only safe inside my home. I don't know why I think it is so scary out there or why I get panicky just going to get the mail. I live fearlessly in my head. I experience things through my window. I really do wish my meds would work enough for me to get back out there. I fear staying as I am just as much as I fear a trip to the grocery store. But the noise, there is so much noise. People are so loud and angry and selfish. It pains me to be around them.

I am not sure what aspect of this card I could be denying. I hate to read this card as sacrifice because I have sacrificed enough in this life and I refuse to let go of any more. I suppose it could be speaking towards me looking at things differently. In fact, just last month I had a conversation about my anxiety where I described it as a daily fight to the death. The person I was speaking with suggested that if I could look at it in a more positive way, I might make more progress. I was intrigued by the suggestion, of course, but still have not found a way to do so. But not for lack of trying. I suppose this card is mostly tied to my anxiety, since that is the only area of my life that I can't figure out. There probably is a lot of denial in there somewhere but I'm darned if I can find it.

I've done a search of the AT and here's some things I'd like to hit on, all by thirteen:

"The Hanged Man represents a period when you are upside down, you are a traitor to the right-side-up world. You see things inversely, in a way that may seem wrong or traitorous to others, and you act on that view in a way that you know will invoke consequences and require sacrifice on your part. The result is that you end up hanging suspended, still seeing the world from your upside down perspective, waiting for the consequences to end, and the changes caused by your actions to come to fruition."

This very much describes what I believe my anxiety-ridden life to be. So it is not so hidden, but perhaps, my goal in this lifetime.

"Thus, the Hanged Man represents a "betrayal" against the status quo. It represents, ultimately, not merely your own change in perspective, but a way in which you can change everything."

I very much agree with this as well. I know only I have the power to do this but I can't seem to find it.

"What we have to remember, I think, is that the Traitor has come to mean someone willing to sacrifice himself to go against the status quo. He is not a traitor in the sense of Benedict Arnold--rather he is a traitor in the sense that Prometheus was a traitor against the gods of Mt. Olympus in giving man fire. Prometheus suffered for that betrayal, but he was willing to suffer for it."

A part of me does believe that this trial is going to be of some benefit to me, but one I may not know of until I cease to be. As long as there is some reason for my sacrifice I am ok with it. Even if it were to save one person from this... and now I am seeing myself as a martyr and that is not how I feel at all. It is like I said above, speaking of the World card, I take too much on my shoulders. If God had come to me and said, "Either you go through this or I give it to someone else." I would take it on. Perhaps knowing I have the strength where another wouldn't. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, no one deserves this.

There definitely is a great difference between the World and the Hanged Man. One is focused on the greater whole, the "outer, while the other is "inner" and completely self involved. I suppose I do go through bouts of both of those. Or perhaps it is more fitting to say that I strive for a balance between the two. I do go through periods where I am so focused inward, like the last few months, that I cannot even begin to look out. And I know quite soon, my focus will change to the outer and I will cease to be so self involved. I can't help thinking it is tied to my anxiety, as it has worsened in the last few months. And when I'm not leaving my house, it is difficult to focus on what is outside of my little world.

Well, those are my thoughts on this today. I may add more later.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Another Mind Blowing Reading.....

This week I decided to use a spread shared by our own KK!

"A Message from My Spirit Guide" Spread

What should I remember that I am forgetting?
Chariot, Queen Wands, 10 Cups

I find so weird that she is turning away from the dark horse to look at the family. Can you feel the love in this card? I feel like it's telling me that I am not alone. That there are people who care about me. Perhaps the two figures are my guides. And they are here, sending me love and watching over me, even if I can't see them. I really do see this as a confirmation of my spiritual beliefs. That the side of the light horse is normalcy, and the dark horse is life here on earth. I don't know if that makes sense but it is my belief that we are here for a reason, whether it be for our own good or the good of others, there is a reason. So, here I feel it's telling me that yes, there are things that I can't see and things I don't remember, but that doesn't mean it isn't there rooting for me. I'm finding it difficult to see myself as the Queen of Wands as she is the exact opposite of me. But perhaps this is a reminder that I do have that inside of me somewhere.

What is my Spirit Guide trying to tell me?
10 Wands, Moon, 5 Cups

I think it is important to note that the 5 of Cups is overshadowing the 10 of Wands. It also looks as if the 10 is trying to pick up the 3 up-right cups. Ok, there is a lot going on in this one. First, the third eye of the moon is the only eye open. I feel this is significant. Perhaps meaning that I need to pay attention to how I "see," or how I gather my intel. Not just by sight but through all my senses, especially when it comes from inside of me. I feel the 10 speaks to the burdens that I have in this life, mainly my anxiety but the rest of it too, and that I need to start reaching for those cups that are full.

What is the advice my Spirit Guide is giving me?
5 Wands, Page Wands, 10 Swords

This one is more difficult because of that 10 all by itself. I feel the Page is a message to learn to have fun instead of letting myself become so bogged down by all the fighting I do. It's a daily struggle for me to keep hold of my sanity, at least I think so. And I've been told, by an AT friend, that I need to not think of it as a fight. I believe I called it a fight to the death. That I need to look at it in a positive way, although I have not yet figured out how to do so. That 10 is still giving me trouble. I'd like to think that the worst has already happened. I've gone through my illness, my father, my rape, been abandoned by so many that I trusted. Who was it that said we create what we fear? Well, that is my life. I'm terrified to leave the safety of my home, I am constantly bombarded with anxiety throughout my day even when I am at home. My life is a mess and I see no way out but death. Perhaps I am at the 10, the worst is here, I am living it. It cannot get any worse. But still, my brain can think of new ways to torture me. So maybe the advice is to fight as that Page. This Page always reminds me of my nephew and how fearless and joyful he is. How everything is exciting and fun. I very much wish I could be like that.

What would be the outcome if I decide to follow this path?
Queen Cups, Page Pents, 3 Pents

Now this Queen I see as more of my psychic self, when I can reach it, which is about once a day during my meditation. When I am at peace and full of love and relaxed and receptive. Perhaps that Page is the lessening of my dependence on the physical world. I find that I am oftentimes too logical and too stuck on what I see with my eyes and touch with my hands. I can't help but think that 3 is my progress in the spiritual realm. I know, I've always known, that I am here to develop further. I think this is saying that if I am able to even live with my anxiety to the extent that I can still have a full life, that is all I need to progress.

Very insightful reading. I plan to do this spread a few times a year. It is quite an eye-opener.