Monday, April 27, 2009

Emotional Clutter....

Well, my class is going so/so. We have yet to touch upon anything life changing and I'm growing aggravated by the other people in the group. They are really close minded and it bothers me. I don't feel like sharing in that type of group. I'm also still on the waiting list for one on one therapy so my tarot must step in.

1.)What kind of emotional clutter have I accumulated?

5 Swords, Page Cups, Sun

It looks like that 5 has entrapped the Page. Like I'm struggling with myself. That Page wants out to play and enjoy but the 5 has her trapped. It isn't safe, you can't go willy-nilly and carefree. I don't know what the Sun is doing there at all. Maybe that's my belief in how I see things. Even though I know they are wrong I somehow convince myself that things are how they seem.

2.)How is it affecting me?

10 Wands, 9 Wands, 8 Wands

Bizarre cards and a bizarre image. There is no touching, no over-lapping. I am burdened, but I persevere, even though I wish to fly away. Or just die.

3.)How is it affecting my relationships with others?

Empress, Wheel, 6 Swords

I do feel disconnected to others. Almost like I am on a journey no one else can understand. Which is how anxiety is. If you've never experienced it you have no idea how it is. But why is the Wheel stalking me? Is it because I still don't know if this is meant to be or what? I feel like this card will keep reappearing until I figure it out.

4.)What steps can I take to remove this clutter?

6 Wands, Death, 10 Swords

Realize the worst has come to be, as it has. Cut out what is not needed and visualize myself as I want to be.

5.)What can I do to avoid accumulating clutter in the future?

8 Cups, 2 Swords, 2 Cups

Letting it go, making a conscious decision to let it go, and to rely more on my close relationships to keep me sane. I know I don't always see things as they really are and I do need to ask for help sometimes. I'm so bad at that as I don't want to burden anyone. But what else are they here for if not for when I need them? I would do the same for them.

I am so not in the mood for this today. It's been a long weekend and my fuse is short.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Anxiety Group Meeting...

So, I've been accepted into an anxiety support group. We're using a book so it's like a class and that gets the ubernerd in me so excited! Anyway, I'm not sure it's going to help so I decided to ask the cards.....

1. Refers to the situation, relationship, or other concerns asked about.

Ace Pents, 5 Cups, 9 Pents

Yes, I'm looking for some stability, to be more comfortable in my life, but I'm afraid I will be disappointed. I've tried lots of programs without success.

2. Negative influence or blockage.

9 Swords, Emperor, Chariot

Well, there's that 9 which is my anxiety so I may have a hard time getting to the groups, as also seen by the Chariot. The Emperor, I think, is speaking of the group. I don't like to share intimate things to people. Well, in person that is. You guys don't count. I find it worth noting that as this is a negative or a blockage, the 9 is in the light horse, not the dark one. So my anxiety may keep me from doing well.

3. Positive influence or assistance.

Page Wands, Hermit, 8 Wands

I've met with the woman leading this group and she really strikes me as this Page. She's almost annoyingly upbeat and is very intense and passionate about this group. The Hermit doesn't surprise me at all. I'm very self aware and that will help me. With the assistance of that 8, it looks like I may make more headway in the self-realization aspect.

4. What you can do to improve the situation. (The action card.)

Wheel, High Priestess, Queen Pents

That damn Wheel! I love that there's a book here though. How cool is that! Read the book, learn the secrets. Turn it all around and get to the "real" me. The me I want to be, which is that Queen.

5. Probable outcome based on current circumstances (or direction that the situation/relationship is heading towards based on current circumstances.)

5 Pents, Death, Judgment

Normally, this outcome would be terrifying, but look how positive when it's speaking of something one wants to be rid of! I hate to jinx myself but by Goddess, this looks promising!

Now I'm even more excited for tomorrow!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Experiment 2 Part 2

Sorry for the delay, was waiting on our Great Leader for some insight into these positional meanings.

1. The source of my Light
5 Swords, Queen Cups, Fool

This is where our "personality" or "light" developed and began to 'blossom'. This card indicates the 'root' of our personality.

The 5 and the Fool clearly show an ability to pick up the pieces and move on, that nothing is really all that bad. I tend to not dwell on things. I have a saying that if no one is dying then it isn't a big deal. The Queen shows a good understanding of emotions. By that I mean that I am not one to deceive myself. I am quite aware of my emotions and where they come from but I don't always know what to do with them. I also think that 5 speaks of the abandonment I experienced early in my childhood.

2. The source of my Shadow

9 Swords, 5 Wands, Justice

This represents the "root" of our shadow side. Where it began to develop and .. well, I can't seem to think of a word that's similar to 'blossom' but more in a shadowy way.

Well, that 9 could be my anxiety. I really feel the 5 and Justice are saying that it was a natural reaction to that 9. Like, well what else were you supposed to do with that? But I don't like how she is sitting on one side of the scale.

3. Where does my Light shine the most?

6 Swords, Ace Wands, 3 Pents

This position indicates where you are able to express the traits, talents, abilities, characteristics given by your personality card the most. As well as, the times and instances you're able to .. well.. shine!

Ok, well I'm good at learning my lessons and moving on. I do get many sparks of passion and am always following something new and that three is showing that I am good at doing that. This is funny because I think a lot of these things that I do are mostly a distraction from my anxiety.

4. What does my Shadow hide the most?

8 Wands, 7 Swords, Wheel

These are the areas you need to work upon, reflect upon, look into yourself, heal, etc etc, that you may or may not be aware off, but your 'Shadow' card prevents you from truly "seeing" and "understanding"

Wow, um I'm a bit stumped on this one, as I always am when the Wheel shows up. But the placement of the 8 and 7 makes me think that the defending and planning that I do is really taking me away from what I'm supposed to do. So, in a sense, my anxiety is distracting me from my real life purpose. How strange that is to think. As most who read this blog know, I thought my anxiety was punishment from a former life, or here in the now to further my eternal being. Now, I think this may not be the case.

5. What does my Light want me to see the most?

3 Cups, Page Wands, 7 Cups

This position represents areas/moments/situations, etc that your 'Light' is willing to shine, and where you can also 'shine' bright as ever, but you may not really know this, or probably do, but were afraid or weren't willing enough to let yourself "shine".

Ok, let's look at that 3 because with the 7 it is true to my life. I'm always on the outside, on purpose. I like to see people having a good time, I just don't want to be involved. I can, of coure, I have many friends and get along well with people, I just prefer to be alone. Perhaps that Page is telling me that there is something more to involvement that I could benefit from

6. What does my Shadow want to hide from me the most?

6 Wands, 10 Cups, 2 Swords

These are areas that we choose to (consciously and unconsciously) 'block' and 'ignore', thinking that avoiding them will make them go away, but doing so only makes them harder to release. Acknowledging them and healing them is the only way of truly releasing them and finding a sense of inner peace.

This is tough. One of the things I ignore is my family. Or rather, I prefer not to think about it. I had a difficult childhood and my family is scattered. We don't know how to be a family and that has always bothered me and I know it is a part of things for me in the present. Perhaps that 2 is telling me that I don't know what to do, which I already know that. I don't know how to mend what happened to me and how to make it all ok now.

7. How do I create a harmonious balance between my Light and Shadow.

3 Swords, Ace Pents, Tower

Well, thanks a lot! If there ever was a suicide card..... I'm kidding! I need to cut out those parts of me and change the foundations of my thinking so that I may begin again, stable in this world. I love that Ace. I see so much potential for really living in the world with that card. *sigh* That is what I wish for more than anything.

Well, that was a tough read and I will need to go back over it in a few days. It's a lot to think about.