Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Problem Spread.....

I really like this spread. It's so useful!

I thought it was significant that I've seen one of these images before. I think I'm beginning to understand what the Wheel has been trying to tell me.

What you think the problem is:
Star, Tower, 3 Wands

I like how the middle 3 is in the Star and the fire is in the Tower. I think the problem is massive and that there is no hope and that I haven't the energy to move beyond this. I am having trouble remembering the standard meaning of the 3, which happens a lot when I use this deck. The 3 is the waiting for the ships, right? I think I've done all I can and now I'm just stuck in limbo.

What the problem actually is:

5 Pents, Page Wands, Death

Now this is the image I have seen before! Remember the reading for how the anxiety group would turn out? Only Judgment has been replaced by that Page. So, the problem really is that I've uncovered that blockage and that is what has stolen my energy. Although, I can't say what I've uncovered, as I don't really know. I get the feeling that I am on schedule. That I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment. Which is what I think the Wheel has been trying to tell me. If you recall, the Wheel has been stalking me through this blog. I take this to mean that the problem is not as major as I think it is. Which is really weird since I've taken a very drastic downward spiral in past few months. My anxiety is worse than it has been in a long time. But perhaps it is always darkest before the dawn.

Solution to consider:

7 Swords, 7 Wands, Knight Cups

This is a drastic image for me. Our 7 wands is ever watchful and ever defending. But at what price? Look at that thief taking off with those swords! It's like I'm too busy fighting something to notice what is being taken from me. And there is that Knight, offering his cup. Full of love. This is reminding me of that breakthrough I had awhile ago. Where I realized that I created my anxiety to keep me safe. Only now I don't really need it anymore. This was my breakthrough of acceptance and knowing that I need to treat myself and my disorder with love if I am to get it to leave. I must teach that side of myself that I am safe now. That I am no longer that little girl and none of the people who hurt me are around any more. I am fighting ghosts.

Practical thing to do:

2 Pents, Knight Wands, 2 Swords

I like how those 2's are right on top of each other. My juggling and indecision. Trying to mix air and earth. Trying to quiet my logical, over-thinking mind and live in the now, in this body, moment to moment. And that Knight is just screaming of energy that I very much need right now and am severely lacking. I feel this image is telling me that the practical thing to do is what I've been doing. Only maybe step it up a notch.

Important Factor:

Hanged Man, 8 Swords, 7 Cups

I always see myself as that cocoon. All wrapped up in my safety zone. And that 8 is my anxiety. The 7 is the life I wish to have. This is an important factor! I have control here. I made this situation. I have let it control me for so long. Keeping myself hidden away, letting those swords keep me bound. I know it is a lie. I know this is not real yet I continue to live this way.

This deck is so amazing and just won't let me deceive myself. She's quiet blunt and talkative. I need to use her more.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Checking Accuracy

Back in April I did a reading about a therapy group I was about to join. Well, that group has ended and I wanted to take a look back at that reading and see how it turned out. My new thoughts are in italics.

1. Refers to the situation, relationship, or other concerns asked about.

Ace Pents, 5 Cups, 9 Pents

Yes, I'm looking for some stability, to be more comfortable in my life, but I'm afraid I will be disappointed. I've tried lots of programs without success.

I also note my despair in that 5 and feel that my enjoyment of life (9) is tied to that Ace.

2. Negative influence or blockage.

9 Swords, Emperor, Chariot

Well, there's that 9 which is my anxiety so I may have a hard time getting to the groups, as also seen by the Chariot. The Emperor, I think, is speaking of the group. I don't like to share intimate things to people. Well, in person that is. You guys don't count. I find it worth noting that as this is a negative or a blockage, the 9 is in the light horse, not the dark one. So my anxiety may keep me from doing well.

I only missed one session, due to my food poisoning, not anxiety. I was uncomfortable in the group but eventually became the biggest talker and actually made friends with some people in the group. It wasn't my anxiety that kept me from doing well, I had issues with the book we used. Mainly, it did not speak of generalized anxiety which is my biggest problem.

3. Positive influence or assistance.

Page Wands, Hermit, 8 Wands

I've met with the woman leading this group and she really strikes me as this Page. She's almost annoyingly upbeat and is very intense and passionate about this group. The Hermit doesn't surprise me at all. I'm very self aware and that will help me. With the assistance of that 8, it looks like I may make more headway in the self-realization aspect.

I actually had a very big realization late into the program. One that really opened my eyes and changed the way I see my anxiety. I do not feel like any part of the group was a part of that though. It came from something I read on the EFT site. But, my assessment of our teacher was spot on and I am set to join her other group next week.

4. What you can do to improve the situation. (The action card.)

Wheel, High Priestess, Queen Pents

That damn Wheel! I love that there's a book here though. How cool is that! Read the book, learn the secrets. Turn it all around and get to the "real" me. The me I want to be, which is that Queen.

I don't feel the HP was referring to the book, as I got nothing out of it that I didn't already know. I think the Wheel is just timing, or rather getting out of my head and into the Now. The Queen seems to be about cultivating the me I wish to be. The whole Act As If.

5. Probable outcome based on current circumstances (or direction that the situation/relationship is heading towards based on current circumstances.)

5 Pents, Death, Judgment

Normally, this outcome would be terrifying, but look how positive when it's speaking of something one wants to be rid of! I hate to jinx myself but by Goddess, this looks promising!

Like I said before, that realization I had that still has me reeling would not have come about had I not been in the group and not getting what I hoped out of it. I do feel a bit like the phoenix but not completely there yet. Like I've just begun the transformation but there is more work to be done. That scythe to the head really is spot on in regards to my realization, which I'm going to share with all of you. I cannot recall if I've posted it in this blog before now.

Anyway, here's the story. I was reading about inner child work and how when we are children and are in an unstable environment, the mind can do things to keep us safe. It mulled around in my brain and one night, on a long drive home from having fun with some friends, it hit me like a bolt of lightning. All these years I have looked at my anxiety as an enemy. Something to fight, and I do fight daily. I've likened it to a fight to the death. I had been searching for a way to change my perspective so that I may approach my anxiety in a positive way. While I was driving I realized that my anxiety is only trying to keep me safe, something my parents failed to do when I was young. So it isn't some scary monster, but myself. A part of me that, however misguided, is there for my own protection.

So now, instead of fighting it, I can approach it with love and understanding. To teach it, and myself, that it is no longer needed. I am safe where I am all the time. During a subsequent meditation I found myself in the cottage of the Crone, of whom I have always been a bit fearful. But there she was, in her cottage, fixing me a meal and she said to me, "Child, you are safe no matter where you are. Whether you are here with me, your guides, your loving fox, God and the Goddess... we are always with you. You are as safe in your house as you are in a plane that is hurtling to crash into the Earth. No matter where or when you are, you are safe."

And in that moment, when I heard these words from her, I imagined being in a plane about to crash and that same fear is what I feel daily. Only in this meditation, I was able to understand what she was telling me. I have nothing to fear and I am never alone, I am never forgotten, never unheard, never invisible. I am not that child anymore. My father is no longer the same man and he is not here to frighten me daily. I am more stable now than I have ever been in my life. I have a loving partner that takes great care of me, that loves and accepts every part of me, even the parts of me that I don't accept. I have two dogs that I adore and who give me such love. I have a direct connection to the divine whenever I need it. I have a roof over my head and food in my fridge, if I could only get myself to eat it. I have everything I need. I lack nothing. I am complete as I am.

I no longer need my anxiety to protect me. So now I must learn to let it go and teach it to leave. And I'm sure I will figure that out.