I had planned on taking the night off since the hubs is working on my comp. But the AT is down which means I have nothing to keep me from reading the deck. And if I'm going to read I may as well share it here.
So, I've done a few cute non-important readings and I really want to see if this deck can really speak, or rather, if I can figure out its language.
I decided to do a PPF with my anxiety as the topic. It has been a rough few months for me and I'm about at the end of my rope. This is my last treatment option before I give in and go back to letting a doc experiment on me.
The first card, the Past position, is the Emperor, Page of Wands, 6 of Wands. The image looks like this:
This says to me that it began when my life was rather stable and controlled. I'm wondering if this has something to do with my father as well. Perhaps genetics? I do believe my mother has more of a role in my development as my father was drunk and not available to me. Well, that isn't true. I was terrified of him and did not like the drinking but exactly how much of that I understood before the age of 12 is unknown to me. The cards are also acknowledging that my disorder did develop at an early age. I was 12 and have very little memories of anything before that first anxiety day. It is strange to me that this little figure that I take to be my psychopath, and by the way, I am amazed that I am able to see him, doesn't look too threatening with wands instead of swords. It looks as though I almost birthed him, wanting someone to... I don't know but it looks as though I'm fetching a wand for him. Perhaps he began as a coping mechanism? I was so young I can't remember. But then, I can't remember 30 seconds ago either.
I want to point out right now that this deck is the only one that can make me cry and I've not even had her a week!
Second card, Present position, Chariot, Knight Swords, 9 Swords:
Here you can see my favorite card of the deck, the 9 of Swords. Such a simple yet powerful image and she gets me. I like how she is clearly inside of the white horse. I want to take this to mean that I am quite aware of my situation and that it is as bad as I think it is. Which, of course, what else would I think? It's just that I have studied this disorder for almost 20 years now, I know what I'm doing, but I don't want to get into that.... What is the difference between the two horses and which one am I in? Obviously, I'd rather be split between the two, since I must get them to run together. But that Knight, that is my love! Can you see him? He is always this card. And he is so supportive, being there in the ways he can. Telling me to just keep trying and he will be here to help me. If it weren't for him being here today, I would not have gotten out of bed. I owe him more, I must get better. Maybe he has something to do with the second horse?
Third card, Future, 4 Pents, 4 Swords, Justice:
At first glance I immediately think that is my psychopath dead on the floor. Only I know what that 4 really means and if that lil bugger is planning on merely resting to come back even stronger... well.. I will just spit! But that other 4 has his foot on his head! Look at that! I wonder what that means? And am I the green one? Justice is a great card to have here but it still does not give me an answer as to if the anxiety will be gone. Although this image would seem to suggest it will at least be a bit more managable, if only for a short time. Which still doesn't tell me anything as I am worst this day of the year (as in January 11) than any other. I think it has to do with the sun, as I am not as bad throughout the summer. I am noticing that the sword from the Justice card is coming right out of my psychopath, in fact, right out of his groin. That must be of some significance.
Maybe I will never know. But it is clear to me that this little deck can take on more complex answers. I just cannot read her clearly as of yet. But she makes trying so much fun. I must make her a very special bag.