Experiment 1 Part 3

Ok, those of you that are not doing the experiment, feel free to skip this post. I've added in my later impressions along with my meditative experience.

The first thing I did was poke the chrysalis. I'm not sure why I did it, but I felt the voice of the Empress ask me why I did it. She has a Jamaican accent. Not sure why. She says "child" like "chi-il."
"Am I really in there?" I asked.
She sighed.
"And I'm safe?"
"Of course dear, why wouldn't you be safe?"
"But what if it falls? What if the wind blows it right off this branch?"
"Child, who do you think makes the wind?"
I had nothing to say at this point so I tried to look beyond what my eyes saw. I felt warm, as if sun was shining on me but I don't recall seeing the sun. I did feel a slight breeze and the branch did shake but the chrysalis held on.

I tried to look into it, as it was a bit well, transparent. I could make out a vague form that was moving around but not enough that I knew what I was looking at.

"Don't you be poking that again." She said.
"What will come out of there?"
"You will."
"But what will I be?"
"Just you."
"But I'm me now. What's happening to me in there?"
"You are growing. Isn't it exciting!"
By this point I think I know what she means.
"Did I pick this? Was it my doing?"
She's humming.
"Am I working something off? Did I do something awful?"
"You know better, you've always been the good girl."
"I mean before this life."
"Good girl." echoes.

Why have I been bestowed this card as my soul card.
"It is the difficult path that has the most reward. And look at how many cups you have already." She sounds almost proud of me.
"I still don't understand what the Empress has to do with my soul."
"The gift of life. Mother's womb."
"Yes, but I am not a mother."
"No, child, you were born."
I have no idea what she means here at all.
"Born for what?"
"For this."
Could she be any more vague? Come on. I did notice the yellow light coming from that cup "I" seem to be reaching for. For some reason I think Holy Grail, but in a Monty Python kind of way. "Are you suggesting that coconuts are migratory?" hahaha, let's move on...
Gifts it Brings Me
Now, I know I'm gonna sound like a total fool here for a minute, but..... remember in the Prophecy movies.. you know, Christopher Walken, Eric Stoltz, Viggo as the Devil.... the whole war between heaven and hell.... I got defense here. Which is weird because I don't believe in heaven or hell or the devil. I see the devil (as a card) as our life here on Earth.
"I am getting stronger? Because I am here now?"
The Jamaican woman is silent now, I can hear her softly humming but she's done answering me.
What lessons do I learn
"Will you speak with me now?"
"Yes child."
I'm oddly comforted by her calling me child now.
"So this is a lesson?"
"You don't believe."
"Don't believe what?"
"It will be clear one day."
"So you're not gonna tell me then."
"It is not for me to tell you. You know, just not believing it."
"Ok, how bout I talk it out a little then...."
"Do that."
"Bare bones, I see two people separated by death."
"Yes, but you don't believe."
"What does that have to do with a lesson?"
I get the feeling that this is all way over my head at this point. And not likely to be something I will understand while in human form. I think I need to pass over before any of this makes sense.
I stayed to watch the two forms and the scythe. They were almost rowing with it. One would pull it towards them, and then back towards the other. But they both always had their hands on it. It was weird.
Soul's journey leads here:
"So.... this is where I'm going."
"Um-hm."
"Does this mean this isn't my last time? I have to come back again?"
"Only if you want to."
"Will I want to?"
She laughs at me, "You always want to."
"Do I like the punishment?"
"No punishment. Growth. You are growing."
"For what?"
"For who." She says.
At first I thought she meant God but now I think I'm wrong. I think it's for me, or my soul or whatever. I think she is right, about me wanting to come back even though I'm convinced I'm currently in hell (as in hell one earth). But I am so competitive with myself. Having to get straight A's in college, always having to do my best at everything. And re-doing things if I haven't done them to my standards. I think I, and by this "I" I am referring to the soul that I do not know for sure even exists, anyway I think I am wanting to be the best, do the best, and work the hardest. Which is quite the core of my existence in this lifetime, as well as being a "good girl."
I tried getting into this one but there was no movement.

Meanwhile, back to the first card......
"So I really won't fall out of here?"
"No child, you are safe and sound."
"Why don't I ever feel that way?"
"Because you don't know what you know."
"Will I not know it until I die?"
"Depends on you."
"Can you tell me anything that will help me?"
She sighs again. "You would not want me to."
"Why not? Oh... is it like cheating?"
She laughs, "Something like that. Better you do it yourself. Don't worry. You worry too much this time around. You forget to live. You forget why you are here."
"Can you remind me?"
"To grow."

I swear, if this woman had been real I think I would have decked her. I don't feel that I got any insights, but I no longer feel bad about that. Perhaps I am not meant to know unil I'm back to wherever it is that I came from.

So... I Met This Guy....

and I found him to be quite intriguing. So I decided to see what a friendship between us might look like. Don't get me wrong, I am not looking to leave my dude. I'm quite happy where I am but I can always use more friends.....

1 What does he think of me

2 Cups, 7 Swords, Moon

We did seem to hit it off, I met him when he sat down to get a reading for the charity event I did. He thinks I am like-minded and fun. I think he might find me a bit intriguing as well, given the Moon here. He thinks I am mysterious, probably because I am a tarot reader. The 7 of Swords has me a bit confused. I told him outright that I was engaged so there would be no confusion.

2 What does he feel towards me

King Pents, 8 Pents, Wheel

This may seem like a strange question for me to put in here but men often take my friendliness as something more so I wanted some insight. However, I usually steer clear of these types of questions so I am unsure how to read this image in this context. At least I see nothing romantic. Perhaps the Wheel is stating that he feels we were meant to meet as well. As for the 8 to King there, that's like apprentice to master.

3 Why were we brought together

Sun, 2 Wands, 9 Pents

It looks to me that we could bring quite a bit to each other. There was something in our meeting that was strange for me. It is very rare for me to meet someone like him. I had a very easy time conversing with him and I am usually not so quick to take to people. I love that the 9 is lounging, as he is a therapist so she looks like she's on a couch, ready to be "shrunk." I like that 2 there as well, as we could have some passionate discussions and learn from each other. That Sun makes me think that this was no accident. I think we will be great friends.

4 What are his intentions

4 Wands, Knight Pents, 3 Pents

Well, if that doesn't say therapist, what does? I think this is just the type of person he is. Very caring, genuinely wanting to help people. I think he really has his mind on friendship, which is good. I had hoped to see this here.

5 Positives of friendship

6 Swords, 6 Cups, 5 Pents

Wow, that looks like a whole bunch of moving on doesn't it? I think we will be able to help each other heal somethings. I don't want to go into the things we spoke about but this looks very, very positive!

6 Negatives of friendship

6 Wands, Emperor, 5 Wands

I see power struggles. But perhaps they will be minor.

7 Advice

Page Cups, King Wands, Ace Pents

This really looks like a go-ahead for me. To embrace this friendship, offer up my cup, and let us both reap the rewards.

I think there was a reason we met. Just something about it seemed destined. It was strange and I never feel that way about people. I think I can learn a lot from him and I am already looking forward to seeing him once we move.

Blockage Spread....

Since I'm all about being blocked, blown up, hit on the head, dragged under a train.... let's see what will get me out of this funk....

1) Origin of the blockage/why it has come about

King Wands, 8 Cups, Ace Swords

This is going to sound weird, but I think this all started when I moved here. I was trying to be a grown up and start my new life. I had this idea that I could do it on my own. Well, not all on my own, the hubs-to-be was there too. We moved to be closer to his school. I hadn't wanted to move this far away, but I did anyway, to be with him. It was risky, and I normally am not risky. I went off my housing assistance to do this and I moved to a county that has no help for me and my illness. I thought, rashly, that it wouldn't matter, that I would be ok because I was with him. And while he is great, he is gone most of every day. So I sit here alone because I have nowhere to go and no one to see.

2) Current nature of the blockage

8 Swords, 4 Wands, Ace Pents

Current nature.... The 4 and that ace show lots of stability, which I have, but it has surrounded me and left me stuck right in the middle there. Can you see it? I've let myself become trapped. I started it, I saw it was happening, and yet I did nothing about it. It isn't all that bad, but my anxiety is so bad right now. I hadn't thought it was because of me.

3) Resultant effects of blockage

HP, Strength, 2 Wands

Balance.... Strange that these are all twos, Strength is 11 in this deck. I am completely unbalanced now. There is no escape for me with the things that normally brought me escape. There is no weekly going to mom's to do laundry, there is no weekly watching my nephew. There is no weekly going out to my favorite place. This is quite eye opening.

4) Advice on how to clear blockage and move on

Knight Swords, Ace Wands, 9 Pents

Now the important part. The knight... what is he telling me. Decision? Perhaps, that Ace is the move, and that will lead me out. Then I can be the 9 and take some pleasure in my life, begin to rely on myself instead of feeling that I need so much. But the way she's leaning and to the other side, it looks like that is what will happen after the Ace and Knight.

I guess that echos the other reading which told me to wait it out. If only I had the strength to start packing already....

Experiment 1 Part 2

*****edit*****

I've taken another look at these cards as one single image to try to get a better sense of this.

What I notice is that Death cuts out of the Empress and the 4 Pents. And then, in the opposite corner is the 7 and 8. So there is clear separation between these.

With the 7 and 8 I see fighting and reaching higher, while the 4 seems to be ok with where he is, mingling with the Empress and Death. I'm now going to pull some more cards to give me more images in each position.

1. Why have I been bestowed with The Empress as my Soul Card?

8 Cups/Chariot

I think it is part of the plan for this life. I think the struggles were put in place before my birth and I am either working off something very bad, or I am working towards something good. Either way, it is tied to my advancement. I tend to think I am working off something bad because the 8 is off the dark horse. But that may just be a coincidence.

2. What gifts does it bring me?

7 Wands/Devil

I think it keeps me bound to this life. And by that I mean, that I haven't killed myself yet. I continue to fight my illness, which is probably why the Empress is my soul card. Perhaps only she has what it takes to continue on when the outlook is so bleak. I've always felt there was a reason I was here to fight through this. Originally I thought it was going to be my job to fix it for everyone struggling but I've come to realize that I think I just need to survive it. Almost like doing time for whatever it was that I did in a former life.

3. What lessons do I need to learn from it?

Death/2 Cups

That it is temporary. Death is separating me from something. Which I know is peace. I know that this illness will not follow me in death. Which makes it quite difficult to stay here and fight when I know it would be easier to let go.

4. Where does my soul's journey lead to?

4 Pents/Wheel

To the next round, the next life. Which looks like it will be more peaceful. Whenever I see the 4 of Pents I always hear, "Relax, it's ok." This journey will lead to the next, which leads to the next, and so on and so forth. Which is actually quite comforting. I am here to progress, to turn that wheel. To take my lumps and grow. And so I shall.

Three Card

I've been putting this off because I'm just not feeling it lately. So let's see why that is.....

Myself - how I feel

Well, this is weird. Because I feel like I'm the dude in the boat. And I'm sailing by, with no sail, and I really want to stop and be here. With those two people with the wands and the little one with all those cups. And I'm realizing that I am all 4 people. I have the little part that is so full of love and wants to enjoy her life. But those two parts of me are always battling and for the time being, it looks as if they are in a standstill. Both ready to attack, both anticipating an attack. But for now, there is no movement. And the other me, in the boat, ready to move on. Am I waiting for any of them to join me? I'd like to leave the 2 behind and take the little 9.

Atmosphere -factors at work

Well the stability I crave, along with my full self (QP) is apparently unable to come to my aid. As is the Knight Wands. I have no idea what he's doing here though. Perhaps this is why I have no energy, no desire to do anything right now.

Energy

Ok, the energies at work. I hate the Queen of Cups. She just seems so powerless and needy. I suppose I have been overly emotional, actually both of us have been which is weird for us. Loss of something with that 5 Pents, but I can't think of anything but our budget since hubs took a pay cut at work. Oh, that could be the darn food poisoning I've been having for months now. Even the Queen, with her cup, that could be me having to take all the meds. That has definitely sucked out my energy. I think that 7 shows my determination.

Outcome/Advice

Yay! Moon, Tower, Page Wands. What this says to me is that these things are temporary. The moon is all about trickery, things not being what they seem. The tower is the truth. And that page is like a little torch. Like a giant thunderstorm that knocks out the electricity, he and Iwill be sitting in the dark with a tiny little candle. Talking and cuddling until the world rights itself. He will take care of me when I need it and I him when he needs it. This is just a bump and it will right itself. I just have to hang on and wait it out.