Experiment 1 Part 3

Ok, those of you that are not doing the experiment, feel free to skip this post. I've added in my later impressions along with my meditative experience.

The first thing I did was poke the chrysalis. I'm not sure why I did it, but I felt the voice of the Empress ask me why I did it. She has a Jamaican accent. Not sure why. She says "child" like "chi-il."
"Am I really in there?" I asked.
She sighed.
"And I'm safe?"
"Of course dear, why wouldn't you be safe?"
"But what if it falls? What if the wind blows it right off this branch?"
"Child, who do you think makes the wind?"
I had nothing to say at this point so I tried to look beyond what my eyes saw. I felt warm, as if sun was shining on me but I don't recall seeing the sun. I did feel a slight breeze and the branch did shake but the chrysalis held on.

I tried to look into it, as it was a bit well, transparent. I could make out a vague form that was moving around but not enough that I knew what I was looking at.

"Don't you be poking that again." She said.
"What will come out of there?"
"You will."
"But what will I be?"
"Just you."
"But I'm me now. What's happening to me in there?"
"You are growing. Isn't it exciting!"
By this point I think I know what she means.
"Did I pick this? Was it my doing?"
She's humming.
"Am I working something off? Did I do something awful?"
"You know better, you've always been the good girl."
"I mean before this life."
"Good girl." echoes.

Why have I been bestowed this card as my soul card.
"It is the difficult path that has the most reward. And look at how many cups you have already." She sounds almost proud of me.
"I still don't understand what the Empress has to do with my soul."
"The gift of life. Mother's womb."
"Yes, but I am not a mother."
"No, child, you were born."
I have no idea what she means here at all.
"Born for what?"
"For this."
Could she be any more vague? Come on. I did notice the yellow light coming from that cup "I" seem to be reaching for. For some reason I think Holy Grail, but in a Monty Python kind of way. "Are you suggesting that coconuts are migratory?" hahaha, let's move on...
Gifts it Brings Me
Now, I know I'm gonna sound like a total fool here for a minute, but..... remember in the Prophecy movies.. you know, Christopher Walken, Eric Stoltz, Viggo as the Devil.... the whole war between heaven and hell.... I got defense here. Which is weird because I don't believe in heaven or hell or the devil. I see the devil (as a card) as our life here on Earth.
"I am getting stronger? Because I am here now?"
The Jamaican woman is silent now, I can hear her softly humming but she's done answering me.
What lessons do I learn
"Will you speak with me now?"
"Yes child."
I'm oddly comforted by her calling me child now.
"So this is a lesson?"
"You don't believe."
"Don't believe what?"
"It will be clear one day."
"So you're not gonna tell me then."
"It is not for me to tell you. You know, just not believing it."
"Ok, how bout I talk it out a little then...."
"Do that."
"Bare bones, I see two people separated by death."
"Yes, but you don't believe."
"What does that have to do with a lesson?"
I get the feeling that this is all way over my head at this point. And not likely to be something I will understand while in human form. I think I need to pass over before any of this makes sense.
I stayed to watch the two forms and the scythe. They were almost rowing with it. One would pull it towards them, and then back towards the other. But they both always had their hands on it. It was weird.
Soul's journey leads here:
"So.... this is where I'm going."
"Um-hm."
"Does this mean this isn't my last time? I have to come back again?"
"Only if you want to."
"Will I want to?"
She laughs at me, "You always want to."
"Do I like the punishment?"
"No punishment. Growth. You are growing."
"For what?"
"For who." She says.
At first I thought she meant God but now I think I'm wrong. I think it's for me, or my soul or whatever. I think she is right, about me wanting to come back even though I'm convinced I'm currently in hell (as in hell one earth). But I am so competitive with myself. Having to get straight A's in college, always having to do my best at everything. And re-doing things if I haven't done them to my standards. I think I, and by this "I" I am referring to the soul that I do not know for sure even exists, anyway I think I am wanting to be the best, do the best, and work the hardest. Which is quite the core of my existence in this lifetime, as well as being a "good girl."
I tried getting into this one but there was no movement.

Meanwhile, back to the first card......
"So I really won't fall out of here?"
"No child, you are safe and sound."
"Why don't I ever feel that way?"
"Because you don't know what you know."
"Will I not know it until I die?"
"Depends on you."
"Can you tell me anything that will help me?"
She sighs again. "You would not want me to."
"Why not? Oh... is it like cheating?"
She laughs, "Something like that. Better you do it yourself. Don't worry. You worry too much this time around. You forget to live. You forget why you are here."
"Can you remind me?"
"To grow."

I swear, if this woman had been real I think I would have decked her. I don't feel that I got any insights, but I no longer feel bad about that. Perhaps I am not meant to know unil I'm back to wherever it is that I came from.